On the 2012 Ford Taurus

“For $30,000 that car should give you a blowjob. There should be a button.”

On Halloween

"A guy dressed up as Winnie the Pooh for Halloween is not going to get a lot of pussy."

Attainable Goals

Eating corn for three days and pooping it out is an attainable goal; moreso than building a pop-bottle boat.

You should see her bop around to Eminem...

A call I recieved in the last fifteen minutes of my workday...
"Emily!! Have you heard this song 'Fuck You' by Cee lo Green?!?" "It's my new favorite song! I heard it today on the Today Show, and when your father got home, I made him turn on the machine and we watched the regular version on the internet.  Isn't the best song you've ever heard?"
Yep Moo.  It sure is.  

On the passing of Juiceman Jack LaLane

"I hope there's a lot of fruit in heaven."